


Breath

by quilfish_swan



Category: Naruto
Genre: Actually yeah AU where Hiruzen cares more, Baby Uzumaki Naruto, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attacks, Post-Nine-Tailed Demon Fox's Attack, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sorta AUish? But not really? Idk, Suicide, Teenage Hatake Kakashi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24935188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quilfish_swan/pseuds/quilfish_swan
Summary: Fourteen-year-old Kakashi is asked to watch baby Naruto while he takes a nap.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Sarutobi Hiruzen, Hatake Kakashi & Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 7
Kudos: 122





	Breath

**Author's Note:**

> I always wonder how Naruto's baby days were handled, who took care of him, etc. I like to think Kakashi had a part in it, even if it was only every once in a while. (I've seen lots of cute fanart of Kakashi and baby Naruto, so this is partly inspired by that!)
> 
> So... this is sad. But enjoy :)
> 
> Edit: This work now has a sequel called [_What Rivals Are For_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26940337)

As his whole body trembles, Kakashi wonders if this is how his father felt, in the moments right before. Empty. _Oh,_ so empty. With his left hand, he grips the edge of the sink to steady himself, cool metal on hot clammy flesh.

_Dad._

In his right hand, knuckles white, he clutches a knife.

_Obito._

He pulls down his mask with sweaty fingers.

_Rin._

He presses the tip of the knife to his neck. 

_Sensei._

A bead of scarlet leaves a clean trail down his skin.

_I'll see you soon._

With two sharp breaths, his arm tenses, and—

The knock at the door sounds impossibly louder than normal, and he jumps, a noise leaving his throat. The knife clatters into the sink. Breaths loud and heaving, his eyes dart between the door and the knife. _Three more raps._ Another glance at the knife—

For several stunned seconds, his mind is completely blank. It’s as if his body moves without him when he pulls up his mask and moves to answer the door with a still-shaking hand. 

It takes a moment for him to register the Third Hokage’s presence, and the thing in his arms.

"Kakashi, my boy, is now a good time?” Lord Third asks pleasantly, a yellow-haired bundle curled against his shoulder. “I know this is sudden, but I was wondering if you would watch baby Naruto here while he takes his n—are you alright?"

Kakashi realizes his breaths are still heavy and works to steady them. Clenching his fists, he tries to stop the trembling. He moves his mouth to respond, and when no sound comes out, he clears his throat. "Yes," he croaks, and adds, “sir.”

Lord Third frowns, but doesn’t question further. He continues soberly, "I thought with the recent passing of the Fourth and his wife, you might want to meet their son, Naruto. Would you care to watch him for an hour or two while he sleeps, so I can meet with the elders? I'll come collect him when we've finished."

Kakashi stares at the child, breaths slow and evened by sleep.

He gives his answer, which comes out sort of strangled, almost before he realizes what he’s said. “Yes. I can do that, sir.”

"Wonderful!" The Third studies him for a moment more before saying, “He should stay asleep for at least an hour more, but if he doesn't, here is his food." He hands Kakashi a bag. "Thank you for this favor, my boy." He makes to gently transfer Naruto from his own arms to Kakashi's.

"Oh, right." Kakashi hooks the bag strap in his elbow and takes the sleeping baby. As delicately as possible, he shifts until Naruto rests comfortably over his shoulder, mimicking the way the Third had carried him.

Rubbing his hands together, Lord Third says, "Alright then. Thank you, again. I'll be back soon." He turns to leave, but pauses first. "Are you sure you’re alright?"

Kakashi nods once, and lies, “Yes, sir.”

The Third returns the nod, and in moments Kakashi is back inside, still stunned, and holding a baby.

In a daze he drops the bag on his way to the chair in the corner, and sinks back into the hard wooden frame. Naruto's little body feels hot against his already sweaty skin, but not unpleasant.

While Kakashi knew his sensei’s child had been born healthy, he hadn’t actively thought much of it. (Lately, he really hasn’t actively thought about much of anything, aside from his Anbu missions and the occasional grocery trip. The rest of his time is spent numbly fortifying his mind against intrusions of memory; although, the walls always crumble when he falls asleep, leaving him defenseless against dreams.)

How long has it been since the night of the Nine-Tailed Fox's attack? Three months? Four? He doesn’t know. The recent weeks, all alike, have passed in blurs. 

He bends his neck to get a good look at the baby’s face. Hair like his father's; he wonders if his eyes are blue like the Fourth’s as well, while noting that his features look more like his mother’s. The thought of them both makes his stomach turn.

_They should be holding him. Not me._

Unblinking and staring at a patch of floor, he absently moves a hand, still buzzing, back and forth on Naruto’s tiny back. He doesn’t know how many vacant minutes pass before he turns again to look at him; his eyes widen when he sees a spot of red in Naruto's hair. 

Blood? _But how…?_

He sifts through the locks, searching for a cut or bruise of some kind, but his heart pounds when he realizes the blood is his own. It must have seeped from his cut through the fabric of his mask and onto the top of Naruto's head, which had been pressed up against his neck.

Swallowing hard, the horror of what he'd almost done floods him in full force.

He frantically tries to clean the red from the yellow, but the panic has already set in. His hands tingle and his fingers retract against his will. _Not again,_ he pleads, as he tries again to slow his breathing, but his throat is tight, and he can’t get enough air. He feels sick, dizzy.

Tense, and frozen, he fights thoughts of Minato and Kushina in their last moments, thoughts of Obito and Rin and his father, of what Might Gai would have done had Kakashi followed through, where Kakashi would be had the Third not come. The room spins around him. 

_Would he really have done it? Had he really almost taken his own life?_ The shame of having allowed himself to go so far stings his eyes and constricts his chest.

With wet eyes squeezed shut, he waits for terror’s iron grip to pass.

After minutes which feel like hours—when the nausea subsides and wheezes turn again into deep breaths—he weeps. Hugging Naruto close to him, he sobs, and vaguely hopes his shaking shoulders will not wake him. 

As the tears flow, he thinks over and over again that Minato and Kushina's baby has saved his life. 

* * *

Hiruzen returns an hour and a half later. 

He knocks on Kakashi’s door, and when there is no answer, he enters. Affection swells in his chest upon finding Kakashi and Naruto both asleep in a chair. Moving closer, he sees the breaths of both boys rising and falling in time with each other. Though he hates to disturb Kakashi from what he hopes is a peaceful dream, he decides it best to wake him. 

After a small shake of his shoulder, Kakashi inhales deeply. "Oh, sir, I'm so sorry,” he says, his voice hoarse.

"Not to worry,” Hiruzen says, kindly. “I've come to pick up Naruto, if you'll let me take him.” He adds with a grin, “Although he seems to have taken a liking to you.” It is only partially a lie—Naruto is an unusually heavy sleeper, napping more soundly and for longer stretches than most babies at four-and-a-half months—but he doesn’t elaborate.

Kakashi looks up at him with a hint of pride, and Hiruzen pretends not to notice that his eyes are puffy and red. _From sleep,_ he hopes, though he’s sure that’s not why.

“Did everything go alright?” he asks.

Kakashi turns again to the baby, nestled against him and breathing softly. “Yes, sir. He slept the whole time.”

“Excellent. I hope it wasn’t too much trouble,” Hiruzen says, and Kakashi shakes his head.

When neither immediately moves to transfer Naruto, Kakashi blurts, "He can stay here with me tonight… if it's less trouble for you, Lord Third."

Hiruzen raises his eyebrows, before laughing good-naturedly and saying, "I knew you two had become friends. That's perfectly fine by me.” He gestures to the bag on the floor and says, “He has enough food and diapers in there for another day.” He briefly runs over Naruto’s feeding and napping schedule, and they arrange a time for him to return in the morning. “He’s peaceful when he’s asleep, but he’s quite the firecracker in his waking hours, so watch out!” His own hearty laugh follows, and then silence.

He isn’t quite sure what prompts him to say it—maybe the strange way Kakashi had answered the door hours prior, or the redness in his eyes, or the Anbu reports of late describing his unusual disregard for personal safety. Or perhaps, it is simply the fact that no one at fourteen should be forced to endure a fraction of what he has. (He supposes the reasons are similar to the ones that prompted him to come all this way to ask the favor of the boy in the first place, because in truth, bringing Naruto to meetings with the elders has never been an issue.) Hiruzen isn’t sure; but, he says it nonetheless:

“You’re a fine young man, Kakashi. Your father would be proud of you.”

Moving to leave, he stops in the doorway when Kakashi calls out, "Lord Third." Hiruzen looks back. "Thank you."

With a smile, a nod, and one last look at the two boys, he closes the door behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to share this even though I feel very inadequate to write about suicide. I really like the Anbu Kakashi filler arc in the anime, it broke my heart to see him so depressed and traumatized. It amazes me that he grew into such a kind and hopeful person even after everything that happened to him.
> 
> Thank you for reading!!
> 
> Edit: Link to the sequel, [_What Rivals Are For_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26940337) :)


End file.
